Wanda and Wayne,

Every summer, my big extended family gathers for a multi-day solstice party at my grandparents’ lake cabin. While my family visits the cabin year-round, this is a reunion with lots of people, food, drinks, fireworks, jet-skis, four-wheelers, kayaks, and way too many sunburned/drunken opinions shouted over loud music.

I’ve never missed the party and I used to love it when I was young. Now I kinda dread it because a small group of relatives led by my uncle are pretty obnoxious and even confrontational — verbally — as the nights get later and the drinks keep flowing. Cursing. Being crass. You know. And it gets worse each day as the drinking starts earlier and they spend all day outside … Mostly everyone rolls their eyes at them. Mom gets annoyed but knows confronting her brother just makes it worse. Dad stays out of it unless they get personal.

This year is complicated. I’ve been with my boyfriend for eight months and it’s serious. He’s kind, smart, politically active and not the kind of person who stays quiet when people say out-of-line or offensive stuff. He already had one “friendly debate” with my uncle over the holidays about our national and local governments that was like a smiling showdown even though they were both fuming.

Another issue: My older sister is flying home for the first time in years with her husband and little boy. She can’t stand the drama either but doesn’t want to miss a chance to see the family so she’s rented an RV her family can escape to.

Part of me wants to go solo and spare my boyfriend, or text my uncle in advance about keeping it under control … but I know he’ll tell them all and they all live for the reactions. Am I being too sensitive? Too protective? Should I bring my boyfriend and just avoid them/rise above it? Or maybe wait until next year to bring him? He’d be upset but he’d also understand, I think …

Wanda says:

There must be parts of this annual torture exercise you enjoy — the kayaking perhaps? Nature hikes? Camp stove cooking? Late-night card games? My point: It can’t be all bad if you go year after year, even if your advancing years has also advanced your emotional awareness about your extended family’s bad behavior.

But you’re fixating on the bad vibes that Bad Uncle pumps into the wilderness rather than the cool tradition and classy characters that make this a can’t-miss occasion. Flip your mindset. Yes, your uncle will be there, and yes, he will probably be drunk and loud and offensive. What about all the awesome, normal-volumed, non-cringy family and friends coming from far and wide? Prioritize partying with these people, and diving into the outdoor activities that make this weekend special.

This is a once-a-year chance for your boyfriend to get off-grid, non-interrupted quality time with some of the people dearest to you, like your parents and your sister. He’s met your uncle already; he knows the game. If he decides to engage, that’s on him. Who knows, he could be one of those people who enjoys verbally sparring? But you don’t need to worry about shielding or protecting him. Instead, put your energy into meaningfully connecting him to the people and traditions you love the most.

Wayne says:

Everyone’s having a good time, but there’s always a drunk uncle, right? So I’ll play the sober uncle and repeat something that you’ve likely heard for years from your grandparents, parents, sister, aunts and family dog — and just now from Wanda, too: Ignore them! You’re in your Adulting Era, so you should know that you can’t 86 them from this party, but you can evict them from living rent-free in your emotional cabin.

Yes, you are being too sensitive at this point. Your boyfriend can clearly stand up for himself. Your family doesn’t let it take away from their good times. Now it’s your turn to move past the literal and figurative BS from the BSers and get back to loving this family tradition, not dreading it. Don’t give them a snarky or witty comeback, an eye roll, or even the time of day. Instead, focus on all of the fun, family, food and everything else that’s great about this time together.

You’ll be shocked at how light you’ll feel once you take back your solstice jam. But for good measure, I’ll get heavy on you with this reminder: These weekends are special and next year’s party isn’t promised for anyone. So have a blast.

[Wayne & Wanda: I’m away at college and thriving. Am I wrong for wanting to skip my sister’s wedding and avoid family baggage?]

[Wayne and Wanda: A few years ago, I hooked up with my best friend’s now new boyfriend. Is it too late to tell her?]

[Asking Eric: A rift between two of my adult children is souring every family gathering]

[Wayne & Wanda: My boyfriend and I can’t wait for summer, but our interests are so divergent I’m afraid we’ll spend much of it apart]