DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a public middle school and am a licensed teacher. It is a matter of course that adults refer to each other as Mr. or Mrs. Smith, especially in front of students or when referring to adults in their conversation with students. My issue is with an aide, who continually addresses me by my first name in front of students. I have also heard her refer to me by my first name when speaking to students, as in “Go ask John.”
It has always been my professional training that omitting the Mr. or Mrs. in front of students leads to diminished professional barriers, and we shouldn’t use our first names with students.
This particular aide has done little to hide her contempt for the fact that since she did not finish college, she makes less money than the licensed professionals in the building.
It is still the style to refer to all adults in the building with their title and last name, no matter their role or level of certification. As tempting as it is to address her by her first name, I refrain from doing so, as I feel it would model poor behavior while endorsing hers.
Without resorting to giving her a taste of her own medicine, I’m at a loss as to how to stop her lack of professionalism, especially when coupled with her resentment.
GENTLE READER: You are a teacher! Teach her.
Instructing your subordinate in the school’s routine is not the same as going around criticizing people over whom you have no such jurisdiction. You correct your students all the time. It is not an insult to point out that using titles and surnames when addressing or discussing faculty or administration is a school requirement.
But a teacher has to know the context in which the lesson is being received. Probably your students, and very likely your aide, have grown up in a world of unexamined casualness. Formal types of address are not a matter of course.
They have been told that the ubiquitous use of first names is “friendly,” despite that meaning that the entire population, including strangers, is bound in friendship. They may have been chastised by adults who interpreted respectful address as disrespectful because they believe it is insulting for anyone to notice that they are not young.
So it would be helpful to explain why all systems of hierarchy are not bad. This one is based on achievement, which is open to them to earn.
You should, of course, continue to refrain from stooping to the level of mimicking bad behavior. You might also tell the aide that openly showing her contempt is a bad career move.
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to hum at the dinner table if there are only two people?
GENTLE READER: Ask that other person. Miss Manners suggests doing so before he or she comes after you with the dinner knife.
