DEAR MISS MANNERS: We face an awkward situation with my mom. She is chronically unwise with her money, taking frequent international vacations that leave her without enough money for necessary items.
We are not willing to give her the monthly allowance she wants because it would be a hardship to us, and also because if she followed a budget, she would have everything she needs, plus a little extra for fun — living at least as well as we do.
However, we do give her gifts on any special occasion where it seems appropriate. We give her gift certificates to grocery stores, or we pay for necessary home repairs or give her the practical items she has complained she does not have. This is obviously not what she wants, and she is not shy about making it known; I suppose that’s a rudeness with which we just have to live.
However, after informing us that she would prefer a two-week vacation in Europe to a repaired roof, she never fails to add, “I was going to get you a card, but I didn’t feel like going across the street to buy one.”
We really do not want the greeting card anyway. However, it is hard not to take it personally that we are not worth even that much bother to her, particularly following the attitude about whatever we sacrificed to give her.
Is there a polite way to say, “Oh, shut up”?
GENTLE READER: As you know, the greeting card (or lack thereof) is your mother’s mean-spirited way of expressing her lack of gratitude for your financial support — a lack she feels because while you gave the money, you — for understandable reasons — withheld control over how it was spent.
Your rhetorical question demonstrates that it hurt. Miss Manners mentions this not because she intends to answer your question, but rather as a reminder that etiquette — etiquette so reflexive and ingrained that one acts on it, even when one feels like saying, “Oh, shut up!” — matters.
It would have been better if your mother had kept her disappointment to herself and instead just said “thank you.” Just as it will be better if you tell your mother you do not need the greeting card — you are just happy to hear from her.
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: In my line of work (clergy, mostly retired), I frequently speak with medical personnel and fellow clergy who came to the United States from other countries. Some of them speak perfectly clear English; others are very hard to follow.
Sometimes I grasp what they are saying; sometimes I misunderstand, with results ranging from hilarious to insulting; sometimes I am totally mystified by what they have just said.
How do I tell them that I can’t understand what they just said without hurting their feelings?
GENTLE READER: “I beg your pardon. I’m just not understanding things today.” This will, of course, be more convincing if you are not fighting back tears of laughter.
