Dear Annie: I am 72 years old, and lately I have been struggling with something I never expected about getting older: I feel increasingly invisible.
I have a full life. I have children and grandchildren I adore, longtime friends, hobbies I enjoy and a calendar that is often busier than I would like. I exercise, read, travel when I can and still feel curious about people and the world around me. Inside, I do not feel dramatically different from the woman I was at 50.
But I notice that other people sometimes treat me as though I am.
At restaurants, waiters will occasionally direct questions to my adult children instead of to me. In stores, I have stood at a counter waiting for help while someone younger walks up and is immediately acknowledged. At social gatherings, I sometimes feel as though younger people assume I will not understand what they are talking about, or they politely include me without really engaging me.
Even with my family, I sometimes feel that I have become more of a role than a person. I am the mother who remembers birthdays, the grandmother who brings the food and the person everyone calls when they need advice or help. I love being needed, but I also want someone to ask what I am excited about, what I am thinking about or what I still want to do with my life.
Recently, I was at a party and realized I had spent most of the evening asking other people questions while hardly anyone asked me one. I drove home feeling strangely lonely.
I know aging is a gift, and I am grateful for my health and my family. I do not want to sound bitter or desperate for attention. I simply miss feeling seen as an interesting woman with a life that is still unfolding.
How do you grow older without allowing yourself to disappear in other people’s eyes?
— Still Here at 72
Dear Still: You are not asking to be the center of attention. You are asking to be seen, and that is a deeply human need at any age.
Do not wait for other people to decide that your life is still interesting. Keep making plans, learning new things, speaking up and surrounding yourself with people who are curious about who you are now, not only who you have been to them.
And with family, it is perfectly all right to say, “I want to tell you what is going on in my life, too.” My guess is that they really want to know what is going on in your life.
