DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were driving in a rural area with two grandkids in the back seat. One of them vomited.
We deemed the narrow shoulders of the state highway unsafe for a stop, so we made a right turn into the first available road. That road had no shoulder at all, so we turned again. What we thought was another rural road turned out to be someone’s long driveway. We stopped about halfway between the road and the house.
A person was sitting on the porch. We debated whether to walk over and explain what brought us there, as we were too far to talk (shouting would definitely be impolite). In the end, we just cleaned up the poor toddler, turned around and drove away. Of course we did not leave any trash.
Should we have done anything differently?
GENTLE READER: Homeowners who would be enraged by a brief pullover on their property unaccompanied by any attendant debris or damage used to be confined to the comic relief scenes in movies.
Now they apparently inhabit a substantial portion of the land, both urban and rural.
Nevertheless, you did nothing unmannerly. Had you wished to stop and explain, Miss Manners believes it would, paradoxically, be easier to do so while asking for something trivial. Simply apologizing for stopping does seem like expanding on the original intrusion.
It is easier to say you are sorry to bother them while explaining that you have a sick toddler and asking if they could please spare a wet paper towel so you can clean up the back seat.
This has the added benefit of minimizing the chances of being invited to stay for lunch even by the unexpectedly friendly.
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of the women in my church group got married, and only one person from our group was invited.
The invited guest came back with pictures, and everyone remarked about how beautiful the bride was. She explained that it was a small wedding, and that was why we were not invited.
Our group leader suggested that we take a collection for the bride and her new husband. I reluctantly donated despite the fact that we were not invited to the ceremony. Our group is small and tight-knit, and honestly I felt that if we were not asked to attend, why should we send a gift? Am I wrong for feeling this way?
GENTLE READER: How you feel about it is between you and — whomever you and your church group address such things to.
But if you are asking Miss Manners if you have to contribute to a present, the answer is that you do not. Say thank you, but that you are thinking of doing something yourself.
Mind you, you are not off the hook yet: You do not have to send a gift, but if you do not at least send a handwritten letter of congratulations, it is going to be noticed — this being, as you said, a small, tight-knit group.
