Dear Wanda and Wayne,

I feel like I’ve become the world’s most anxious Airbnb host and I need advice. This summer has been stressful unlike any other. My husband had surgery and can’t do much around the house. My son and his wife just had their first baby but both work, so I’m helping with childcare whenever I can. My mom is nearby and in her 80s now and no longer drives, which means grocery runs, doctor’s appointments, and errands have become part of my weekly routine. Oh, and I also work full time.

A few months ago, my 28-year-old niece offered to come spend the summer with us to help out while she’s between jobs. It has honestly been a lifesaver. She cooks, walks the dogs, helps my mom, babysits her little cousin, folds laundry, runs errands — whatever needs doing. Plus she’s a good human. She’s thoughtful and cheerful, and has made this incredibly tough summer much easier.

The problem isn’t what she does during the day. It’s what she does after. She’s single and outgoing, and she seems determined to experience every bit of Alaska she can before the summer ends. She’s already dated several men she met at the gym, discovered a couple of bars she loves, and is constantly meeting new people through hiking groups and social media. Every weekend seems to involve another adventure, sometimes with people she’s known for all of five minutes, going who knows where.

She’ll text that she’s “probably staying out tonight” or “crashed at a friend’s place” and I barely sleep. If she’s hiking somewhere without cell service, I spend the day imagining every worst-case scenario. If she says she’s grabbing drinks after dinner and doesn’t come home until 2 a.m., I find myself staring out the window like she’s still 16 instead of almost 30.

The thing is, she isn’t irresponsible. She checks in, doesn’t drink and drive, and has never given me a real reason not to trust her. I think she’s simply living the kind of carefree life that people her age are supposed to live. Meanwhile, I’m over here making contingency plans if someone doesn’t answer a text within an hour.

I know she’s an adult. She’s doing us a huge favor, and I don’t want to repay her kindness by acting like the fun police or her overbearing mother. But she’s living under our roof, and I can’t seem to turn off the part of my brain that worries something terrible is going to happen. Is it reasonable to set some expectations about letting us know where she is and when she’ll be home? Or is this one of those situations where the problem isn’t her behavior at all, but my anxiety?

Wanda says:

First, let’s acknowledge your understandable exhaustion: You’re helping a recovering husband, a new grandbaby and an aging mother, and holding down a full-time job. That’s a tremendous amount of emotional labor, logistics and responsibility. Your niece didn’t create your anxiety; she just arrived at a time when your worry tank was already overflowing.

Also note that you never once portrayed your niece as irresponsible. In fact, you went out of your way to say she’s thoughtful and dependable, and has made your life easier. That’s important because it means this isn’t really about trust; it’s about uncertainty.

When we’re under prolonged stress, our brains become very good at imagining worst-case scenarios.

That doesn’t mean you have to white-knuckle your way through the rest of the summer. It’s perfectly reasonable to chat with your niece — not about curfews, but about peace of mind. Tell her exactly what you told us: that you recognize she’s a capable adult and you don’t want to limit her adventures, but given everything else on your plate, not knowing where she is sends your imagination into overdrive and piles on to your unease.

This might be the perfect time to suggest location sharing. She can use her cellphone to share her location with you, when appropriate, so you can literally see where she is on a map. Many families and friends use it not to keep tabs on one another, but because it’s reassuring. If she’s headed out on a day trip, meeting up with people she doesn’t know well, or thinks she might stay somewhere overnight, having her location available could help you sleep without requiring her to check in every hour. Framed that way, it’s less about supervision and more about safety.

Explain it this way: What she’s really giving you isn’t access to her phone and privacy, but a real gift in that it’s one less thing for your already overworked heart to carry. I have a feeling she’ll understand. She sounds like the kind of young woman who came to Alaska not just for adventure, but to take care of a family that she loves.

Wayne says:

You’re juggling a job, a recovering husband, an aging mom and a new grandbaby. That’s some serious stress and fatigue. And when you’re mentally and physically fried, it’s harder to rest, easier to freak out, and really easy to make big deals out of little things. Like worrying about a grown-up woman who’s out there living her best life between shifts of helping you keep yours together.

Your niece came here to lighten your load. Sure, it’s your house, so you make the rules. But based on everything you wrote, she doesn’t need another parent, a timeout or a lecture on communication.

Your biggest issue, as I see it, is that you’ve taken responsibility for everyone else’s well-being while neglecting your own. You’re past running on fumes, you’ve hit empty. Eventually even the strongest, most caring people will melt down if they spend their days solving everyone else’s problems while not caring for themselves.

So let your niece help out as much as she offers to, and maybe even ask her for a little more. Let your husband recover and start to do more on his own. Allow your son and daughter-in-law to grow into their new roles as parents. Do what you can for your mom when it’s important and urgent, and then when it works for you. Ultimately, you need to create time and space for yourself to do whatever it is you need to recharge.

You’re worried about your niece, but you’re the person closest to becoming the next emergency. Don’t let that happen. The people you love need you healthy more than they need you heroic. And you aren’t going to be able to do anyone any favors if you’re burnt out, broken down or bitter. Take care of yourself so you can then support others.

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