Pretend Trump is on the ballot? Absolutely!
Published 6:00 am Sunday, November 1, 2026
Someone mentioned that the midterms were this week.
I know, I know. I was as shocked as everyone else as I hadn’t heard anything about them either over the last few months. Which makes my recent interview with Trump even more relevant I guess.
Yes, I had the opportunity to ask our commander-in-chief a few questions just the other day. I really didn’t think he’d pick up when I called, so you can imagine my shock when I heard his
voice on the other end of the line asking what I wanted.
Before you say anything, you need to realize the claim that I interviewed Trump should be considered as credible as anything coming out of the White House over the last couple of years. So there.
Rather than summarize how he answered my queries, however, I thought I’d provide a verbatim transcript of his responses so you can decide for yourself how qualified he — and his
minions — are to keep control over both houses of Congress.
So, without further ado, here goes.
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“Mr. President, since 2017, average earnings have grown about 43 percent nationwide while home prices have increased 81 percent and rent 54 percent. What have you done to deal with
inflation?”
Trump: “I’ve renamed the Gulf of Mexico to what it should have been all along: the Gulf of America. The effect on inflation has not been immediate, but I think you’ll see a big drop in the
cost of virtually everything right after the midterms.”
“Mr. President, the unemployment rate is currently hovering around at 4.2 percent; the economy only added about 29,000 nonfarm jobs in September. What are you doing to stimulate
employment opportunities?”
Trump: “Lake Ontario should have been renamed Lake America years ago. However, I am the only president to actually do it. As a result, I think you’ll start seeing jobs created at an
unprecedented rate right after the midterms.”
“Mr. President, since the beginning of the Iran War, gas prices have risen about 46 percent, while diesel has jumped by a whopping 68 percent. Many Americans are having trouble making
ends meet. What are you doing to bring those prices down?”
Trump: “The Kennedy Center absolutely should be called the Trump-Kennedy Center. I think this change alone would create a ripple effect in the petroleum markets that Americans will begin
to see right after the midterms.”
“Mr. President, the University of Michigan’s Index of Consumer Sentiment dropped to 46.3, which indicates deep public anxiety over affordability and cost-of-living. What are you doing to
restore confidence in the economy?”
Trump: “Yeah. But now that we’re calling the Strait of Hormuz the Trump Strait, I think you’ll see that index go straight through the roof right after the midterms.”
“Mr. President, as of August 2026, the trade deficit widened to $105.6 billion, which kind of implies your policies are not working as well as you suggested they would. What are you doing
to narrow that gap?”
Trump: “Two words: New America. I have no idea why the state wanted to call itself New Mexico in the first place. New America makes total sense and will significantly enhance the value of our goods and services in the world marketplace. I think when we make this change right after the midterms you’ll see that deficit just melt away.”
“Mr. President, the lowest-cost health plan on the Affordable Care Act Marketplace has risen 77 percent, and childcare costs have also increased exponentially. What are you doing to help the
Americans most affected by these detrimental trends?
Trump: “You may not be aware, but we’re moving ahead with our plan to rebrand the Pacific Ocean as the Trump Ocean. We thought about the Atlantic Ocean, but they tell me the Pacific is bigger. Anyway, you’ll see health care costs – and premiums – drop to virtually nothing right after the midterms.”
“This has certainly been an enlightening interview, Mr. President. Anything else you’d like to add?”
Trump: “As I keep saying, just pretend I’m on the ballot next Tuesday when you go to vote.”
There you have it. And I suggest doing exactly that. When you vote in a couple of days, pretend Trump is on the ballot. Please.
— Aaron W. Hughey is a university distinguished professor in the Department of Counseling and Student Affairs at Western Kentucky University. The views expressed in his columns are entirely his own.
