DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law recently returned from New Zealand bearing gifts for her children and their spouses. Each gift was very well-thought-out and personalized.
However, when she got to me, she claimed she’d forgotten my gift in her car and left the house for several minutes, presumably to retrieve it. When she returned, she presented me with a hat and made a big deal that it was “hand-knitted with genuine alpaca wool” and “one of a kind.”
I thanked her for her generosity and the visit moved on. The next day, I found a factory-printed tag on the hat stating it was 50% polyester and 50% acrylic. And later that week, I noticed the exact same hat on clearance at a local big box store.
I was grateful she thought of me, but I’m stumped as to why she would outright lie about something so silly. When I brought it up to my partner, they seemed genuinely uncomfortable, so I didn’t press the issue.
I am doing my best to move on from this incident and am polite when I must interact with my MIL, but things feel strained. At least on my end.
The bottom line is I feel hurt and betrayed. And I find myself wondering what else she has lied to me about and whether she will do it again in the future.
As for the hat, I promptly donated it to charity, as I knew I couldn’t wear it (or even look at it) without rekindling all the negativity and discomfort surrounding the incident.
GENTLE READER: Would you rather have her tell you that she forgot you entirely and just grabbed something she bought herself when she got chilly at the mall?
Miss Manners agrees that it was silly and deceitful for her to have lied. But there is not much to be done about it now.
As long as you are polite, you are entitled to be wary and mistrustful of this woman until she gives you reason to believe otherwise. If your partner notices, but continues not to engage, you may say, “I just don’t like to be lied to, but I’m sure she had her reasons.”
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I go to a doctor’s office that has a residency program, where the docs often try to get patients to accept having a third party in the exam room for training purposes.
While I understand the need for this, I am a very private person who also suffers from severe anxiety. It is always optional, but I’ve never been comfortable with it and find it extremely rude when the doc doesn’t ask you first privately whether you are comfortable with having an additional person in the room for your appointment.
I feel bad enough rejecting the idea, but it’s even more uncomfortable having to say it to the person’s face directly. I usually offer the truth about my anxiety, but is it really necessary? How else could I politely decline?
GENTLE READER: “Thank you, but I would prefer not to,” said as many times as necessary for the doctor to accept it. Yes, you may feel like Bartleby the Scrivener, but it is the doctor who put you in this awkward position, not the other way around. And unlike poor Bartleby, you, Miss Manners trusts, will eventually know when to leave.
