Three years ago, an Oklahoma group was created on Facebook that eventually attracted more than 128,000 women, resulting in thousands of posts per month. The topic was simple: men.

The purpose of “Are we dating the same guy? OKC/Tulsa” is to build a whisper network in a state labeled as one of the most difficult and dangerous for women. Users, most of them anonymous, post pictures of men they know or have matched with on dating apps and others chime in about their experiences. 

“Travis?” one post read. “I work with him. He’s a great guy! Works in the kitchen. Makes great food!”

Jokes are shared: “Stop dating men who look like they steal the copper out your IUD,” said one meme. 

Advice is doled out.

“Just curious has anyone been single for years and not been able to go on an actual date bc of fear and anxiety?” a group member asked. “I plan it and back out at the last minute.”

But the hundreds of AWDTSG communities tied to cities across the country and even the world have a specific marker: users can post anonymous claims ranging from poor texting habits to abuse to hundreds of thousands of others. A feature allows group members to hide their identities while publishing or commenting on photos of real people.

AWDTSG communities have led to the solving of sexual assault complaints nationwide. This year, a former Army major was sentenced to more than 50 years in military prison after he was identified as a predator in Washington, D.C.’s AWDTSG group. But less dire warnings are much more common. One Sept. 3 post on Oklahoma’s page seeking advice on a man identified through a photo drew anonymous advice to “run.”

“He played like a boyfriend and then would disappear,” the post said. “And if you have Hooked up with him get tested.”

Another condemned a man’s willingness to live his faith. 

“Still remains in very close contact with 2 (Friends With Benefits),” the post said. “Takes them on dates and says it is just him being a good Christian. Very inconsistent.”

All of it has convinced 31-year-old Jamie Wolfe of Ardmore that she’ll never seek to replace her husband of nine years in Oklahoma’s dating pool.

“I told him if anything happens between us, I will never get back into it. Never,” said Wolfe.

Wolfe is a member of AWDTSG because she has a 24-year-old sister active in Oklahoma City’s dating scene. She monitored the group until recently, when she posted, with her sister’s permission, pictures of bruises along with a male friend accused of leaving them. Wolfe, who used her real name, said she wanted to let other women know the man follows a pattern she’s seen in her sister’s dating life. 

“They seem really sincere and really nice, until you actually get to know them and you’ve been around them for a while,” Wolfe said. “Then they start to show their true colors, and it turns out they’re really narcissistic.”

The man in question had not had his day in court at the time of the post. Some people said that’s a problem when it comes to privacy for the accused. But Michele McBride, an internet defamation attorney, said the benefits of the groups outweigh concerns because dating pools have become huge with the advent of apps.  

“There’s a lot of interactions with people that you may not have any other connected or usual friends with,” McBride said. “And it’s really based on the idea of, ‘Is it safe? Are there issues I need to be concerned of?’ And that part of it is extremely valuable in this climate.”

Still, men active in online dating are sometimes preoccupied with being posted. The popular Tea app that evolved from AWDTSG was hacked in July and women’s addresses were spread across the Internet. Lawsuits have been filed nationally. Locally, opposing Facebook communities have started to form, including a men’s group in Tulsa, where posters since last year have mimicked the picture-sharing format of the women’s group. And more than 6,000 users have gathered since April in “Are we dating the same guy OKC & Tulsa EXPOSED” to vent about feeling victimized.

“Someone posted me, let me know if you can help …,” one user wrote. “Its funny cause I haven’t even exclusive dated anyone since my marriage.”

“My son has been [posted] and the crap they are saying isn’t the whole truth, he has been in trouble he made a mistake with a friend not even a girl friend,” read another from an anonymous poster. “Whom ever made the post is lying saying he’s a dangerous person, he’s never hurt anyone.”

Oklahoma City resident Jimmy Ketterman, 61, is part of EXPOSED, though he generally supports AWDTSG.

“As a woman, you can’t be too careful,” Ketterman said. 

Ketterman’s been repeatedly posted in the group, though. After his marriage of 33 years ended, he tried online dating, talked on the phone with an attractive woman, and set up a brunch date. The meeting felt off, he said, but could’ve just been quirky. Being intimate on the first date was a mistake because there was disagreement about staying the night and getting to know the family the next morning.

“I said, ‘Well, I’m not ready for you to meet my family,’” Ketterman said. “She said, ‘You should have told me this, you should have told me that.’ After, it was just a constant barrage of phone call after phone call.”

Ketterman said he took the calls and saw the woman socially as a friend because he struggled with being “a hero and a victim.” The calls were followed by hundreds of disturbing videos and voicemails, some seen and heard by Oklahoma Watch. He began to be posted anonymously but with similar language in AWDTSG, which elicited concerned messages from friends who defended him, but fewer women were interested on the dating apps.

“As a woman, you can’t be too careful.”

Jimmy Ketterman

Other members of the EXPOSED group talked about frustration with anonymous posts made by bad actors who harbored motivations other than warning women about safety. They also described years of what they perceived as revenge-posting due to rejection.

“There is no way to hold [posters] accountable because the admins protect their names,” EXPOSED member Merriam Sharpe wrote to Oklahoma Watch. “They do not require proof of allegations made. They just assume everyone is telling the truth. But we live in a world where you can’t trust everyone to be genuine.”

Tulsa attorney James Wirth said he isn’t sure if the focus on the AWDTSG groups will lead to more legal questions. Oklahoma has older slander laws specifically covering public declarations around sexually transmitted infections and promiscuity, and the state is continually thinking up new ways to regulate cyberspace, he said. 

“Oklahoma’s done pretty well in keeping up with the times, as far as laws,” Wirth said. “Oklahoma has an anti-doxxing statute, Oklahoma has an anti-catfishing statute. Those are relatively new phenomena and the law has already caught up in Oklahoma.”

But Wirth, who has dealt with a handful of AWDTSG cases tied up in larger issues, said there won’t necessarily be an uptick in defamation fights. Litigating claims can be costly, so he said he suspects the groups will just end up being one more thing to grapple with in modern dating.

“The great majority of instances probably will not end up in court, it’s just something we have to deal with as a community or as a culture generally,” Wirth said.

Elizabeth Caldwell is a Tulsa-based journalist and contributor to Oklahoma Watch.

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