BY ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: I am writing about something that seems small on paper but has become surprisingly painful in real life. I have a close friend I have known for nearly 20 years. We raised our children in the same neighborhood, celebrated birthdays together and saw each other through illnesses, job changes and family losses. I always believed ours was the kind of friendship that would last.

Lately, though, I feel more like a convenience than a friend. She calls when she needs a favor, wants to vent or has a last-minute problem, and I am always there. But when I reach out, she is too busy to talk, too tired to get together or slow to respond at all. I have started noticing that I am the one who makes the plans, sends thoughtful notes and remembers important dates.

What hurts most is that when we are together, she acts as though everything is perfectly normal. Meanwhile, I go home feeling foolish for caring more than she does. At my age, I thought friendships would feel steadier, not more confusing.

Do I say something and risk sounding needy, or do I quietly accept that some friendships run on habit long after the heart has left them? — Feeling Optional

Dear Feeling Optional: A friendship should not feel like a one-woman volunteer program.

Before you let resentment do all the talking, say something gentle but honest. Tell her you have been feeling a little one-sidedness in the friendship and wanted to check in. Her response will tell you a great deal.

Some friendships deepen with time. Others simply coast on old memories. There is nothing needy about wanting to be valued. If she cannot meet you halfway, step back with grace and put your energy toward people who do.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.