Dear Eric: I am 80 and my daughter is 44. I am a retired professional and my daughter, a college graduate and business owner, gets offended when I question anything she does.
She’s considering going back to school to enhance her marketability and when she showed me a counseling program she was interested in, I noticed one of the required courses was statistics. When I asked her if she realized that it is a high-level math course, she became insulted. Her major in college was graphic design and she always avoided math classes, once she left high school.
What should I have said/done? I didn’t want her to get into a program where she might not be prepared for the coursework.
Please advise. This has happened in other instances, and I just seem to keep unintentionally hurting her feelings.
—Concerned Parent
Dear Concerned Parent: I know your intentions were good and you didn’t want to insult your daughter, but I fear you’re still seeing her for the person she was at 18 or 21, rather than the adult she is now. Asking her if she realized the math course was high-level not-so-subtly implies that she hasn’t thought this through, even though she likely has. I know you want to protect her, but she has matured and changed; she can protect herself.
Part of this is a growing pain in the relationship you’re building with your adult child. It happens. The next time you feel the impulse to warn, or question, take a step back and use it as an opportunity to marvel at the person your daughter has become. With this math course, for instance, you could have been (and still can be) impressed that someone who avoided math 20 years ago is now voluntarily taking on statistics in the interest of advancing her career. When in doubt, tell her you’re proud of her and you’re rooting for her always. That’ll go a lot further.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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