Dear Eric: Nearly three years ago, I let my sister know my husband had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. For reasons I don’t understand, she cut off contact with us other than an occasional text. I was heartbroken and begged her to explain what I had done so I could properly apologize.
Before that we had had weekly hour-long phone calls.
I begged her in a series of letters to forgive me and give me another chance. Her response was to send me a series of criticisms via text, saying I was a bully and given to making cutting remarks. I had no idea what she was referring to and asked for examples. She could not come up with anything but advised me to cultivate friendships in my own town.
Almost two years later, I finally received a letter from her asking for forgiveness for hurting me. She still never explained what I had done, but of course I rushed to write that no forgiveness was needed, and I would be grateful to resume contact. By the way, our mother had Alzheimer’s, so I speculate that having contact with us is a painful reminder of that history. Maybe? We are both in our 70s.
Since then, she has emailed me occasionally, never more than once a week or every other week. I have not had the courage to ask again to resume our calls, remembering how devastated I was at her previous rejection.
I am sad that our relationship is a shadow of what it once was. Yet I don’t know how to change anything. Asking for more feels very risky. What should I do, Eric?
– Missing My Sister
Dear Sister: You extended her a lot of grace by forgiving her. It’s preferable that apologies come with an acknowledgment of harm done and a commitment to make right what can be made right. I don’t know that she made that commitment and now you’re suffering for it, again.
Take the risk and ask for what you want. But do it with the knowledge that she may not be capable of giving you what you really want – a healthy connection, free from cruelty. I understand that, as your sister, you want her in your life. But it will be healthy for you to set up emotional boundaries to keep yourself safe.
You are worthy of more than crumbs from this relationship. You’re not responsible for what she thinks. If she has a grievance with you, she can bring it up. But, as you related, she wasn’t able to come up with one. Right now, it seems as if you’re being punished for something that, possibly, only exists in her mind. If you got something out of the weekly phone calls, proceed with caution. But make sure you’re also checking in with people who love you in the way that you deserve to be loved.
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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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