Dear Eric: We are a group of three female former co-workers who have gathered regularly for 10 years to celebrate birthdays and Christmas. We have taken turns at each other’s homes and always had a nice time eating, laughing and reminiscing together.

This year, one member of our group ghosted the other two of us. She will not respond to phone calls or messages. We are totally in the dark and confused by this and don’t know if we should continue to reach out or let it go.

She has given us no indication, at any time, of a problem. She recently became a grandma and didn’t invite us to the baby shower.

My feeling is to let it go and hope she is OK. What do you think we should do?

– Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken: This abrupt shift is concerning. If you know someone else who knows her, even casually, you should reach out to them just to confirm that she’s physically safe. You don’t have to get into the details of your friendship, but something as simple as “I haven’t heard from her in a bit, do you know if everything is OK?” could put your mind partially at ease.

Since you know about the new grandchild, it’s likely you already know that she’s fine, just not responding. But if you have a doubt, reach out. It may not prompt her to re-establish contact with you but could affirm that she has a good social safety net, should she need it.

Now, it’s possible, though unfortunate, that she may have outgrown the friendship, or something may have shifted in her feelings, and you and the other friend may not have noticed. This can make you feel powerless, in addition to hurt. One way to take some of that power back is to perform a ritual of closure for your friendship. Don’t worry, this sounds fancier than it is.

Right now, there’s just a sharp drop-off where your friendship used to be. That’s going to feel like a wound that doesn’t heal. Write her a letter in which you thank her for the times you spent together and the gift of friendship she gave you and wish her well. You may not even want or need to send it. This is a letter for you, as well. We may not always get to tell those we love “goodbye and thank you,” but that doesn’t stop us from saying it. And in speaking it, it becomes real.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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