Sexuality is as individual as a fingerprint. What a person needs, what desires or needs they have, what sparks lust and desire, is a fundamental part of their personality. We are sensual beings – throughout our entire lives.
But in long-term relationships, that desire often wanes. As a partnership ages, many couples find that eroticism declines. Other things then come into play, and the appetite for sex is lost amid raising children, the stress of work, to-do lists, household chores and daily routines.
According to sex researchers, it is completely normal for the frequency of sex to diminish in long-term relationships. This is especially true as the years of the relationship pass, as bonding hormones such as oxytocin often dampen sex hormones, causing desire to decrease accordingly.
Sometimes, after the intoxicating phase of falling in love, partners develop different levels of desire for sex, which can lead to dissatisfaction, pressure and frustration in a relationship. Or the birth of a child can cause your love life to fall by the wayside. It is not always easy to keep sexuality in mind. But it is worth it – at any age.
“Sexuality is a basic need, an elixir of life and a great source of strength,” says sexual medicine specialist and urologist Axel Potempa. “You should not just settle for less or give up if sex no longer brings fulfilment or has gone to sleep. Sex releases happiness and feel-good hormones such as dopamine, norepinephrine, endorphins and oxytocin, relaxes and regulates the nervous system, and strengthens health and well-being.”
Reasons for the lull in bedroom activity
There are many causes for less sex in relationships. Many factors can play a role: reservations about one’s own body, feelings of shame, hormonal changes, illnesses or physical problems, stress and overload, pressure to perform, but also relationship conflicts and lack of communication.
Hormonal changes are normal with increasing age. “Two-thirds of men lose 1% of their biologically active testosterone each year from the age of 40,” Potempa says. Male libido is heavily dependent on the production of this central male sex hormone, and declining testosterone levels can accordingly dampen sexual desire.
Erectile dysfunction is also common in men over the age of 60 and often leads to withdrawal and avoidance behaviour – frequently caused by vascular diseases such as diabetes, arteriosclerosis or high blood pressure. “Anyone who notices changes should discuss these with their doctor,” Potempa advises.
Expert tips on reigniting the spark with your partner
Medications can also affect sexuality – for example, blood pressure medication, psychotropic drugs or migraine medication. “Of course, you can’t just stop taking your medication. But there are almost always alternatives that have less impact on sexuality,” Potempa says.
At the same time, it is worth taking a look at your lifestyle: large amounts of alcohol reduce libido, nicotine damages the blood vessels– this also affects erection and arousal. For some middle-aged women, hormone-related lack of moisture in the vaginal area and menopausal symptoms can spoil their desire. At the same time, “after menopause, women often develop a whole new sexuality, and their desire increases again,” Potempa says.
Communication: the key to intimacy
When desire wanes, it’s not just biology. “Sometimes a slump in bedroom activity also indicates that other problems are straining the relationship,” Potempa says. “A lack of communication is often the sticking point.”
Those who withdraw out of fear, for example because their sexuality no longer functions as usual, risk being misunderstood. “Misunderstandings, shame and being unable to put things into words can bring sexuality to a complete standstill, and the entire relationship can suffer. That’s tragic,” he says.
Often, a stultifying routine in bed will also kill any desire. However, many long-term couples still find it difficult to express their own desires. And needs can change over time too. “The spiral of silence exacerbates any existing problems,” Potempa says. “The only way out is to talk openly – calmly, respectfully, without reproach.” Those who manage to overcome the silence and find a way to articulate their needs often experience a new, more fulfilling sexuality.
Talk, talk, talk – how to have a successful conversation
Misunderstandings, shame and being unable to put things into words can damage sexuality and relationships. What is important in communication:
-
Choose a quiet moment, e.g., during a walk. Not during sex or in stressful moments
-
Talk as calmly and naturally as possible (“Could you imagine …”; “It’s important to me …”)
-
Talk honestly about yourself, your feelings and your desires – not about your partner
-
Listen carefully. And don’t be disappointed if the other person doesn’t react as you hoped they would. Give them time and space
Getting your desire back
Intimacy doesn’t just happen in the bedroom. Many couples whose sex lives have fallen asleep hardly touch each other in everyday life, or only do so as part of an automated routine. There are no long hugs, no kissing, no attentive glances, no fleeting, tender touches in everyday life – even though these have been proven to have positive effects. Because when you feel that you are important to your partner, that they see you, you also feel more connected – and feel more desire.
“I am convinced that the key to better sex lies outside the bedroom,” Potempa says. “It’s about experiencing sensuality. True harmony and intimacy arise from sharing beautiful experiences, for example through travel, culture or sports.”
Sports, fitness and physical activity are particularly good strategies for reviving your sex life. “Exercise has incredibly positive effects; it leads to more allure and a more positive body image as well as releasing the right kind of hormones,” Potempa says.
More pleasure, less frustration: How women discover what they want in bed
Invite sensuality into your life
A lack of desire is often the main obstacle to engaging in sex, especially for women. It can be helpful to remember what you used to do to get in the mood: cooking together, listening to music or organising a wellness weekend. Then just start with this and see how it goes without any expectations or pressure to perform – even if you don’t feel like anything at the moment.
“Desire doesn’t have to be a prerequisite for engaging with each other as a couple,” Potempa says. “It can often develop, but you have to give it a chance.” Lying down together, feeling each other’s skin – these pleasant moments can be arranged, and can lead to more. In any case, conscious physical affection brings you closer together again and allows you to reconnect as a couple. And it shows the other person, as well as yourself: you are important to me.
To break through boredom and monotony in bed, all you need is curiosity and a willingness to be open and just try out what you like – sex toys, porn, etc. can bring variety and new ideas. Humour helps to reduce performance pressure and approach the whole thing playfully.
The perfect motto for a new start: “Everything is possible, nothing is mandatory” – this creates a lightness and takes the pressure off. “You should also realise that sexual intercourse is only one part of your love life, which loses importance with age anyway,” Potempa says. “It is much more important to broaden the definition of sex. After all, the whole body is a sensual organ.”
