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The question: All of my friends are also my work colleagues. We started at the company at the same time so it was natural to become friends. Now I’m worried that these are superficial relationships because the only thing that ties us together is work. One of them left the company a few months ago and we haven’t seen her much since then. I’m wondering if the friendship group I thought I had is genuine or if we are very good acquaintances and that I don’t actually have any friends. It makes me sad to think that I don’t have any friends and even more sad that I thought I did but, actually, I don’t. Can friendship groups through the workplace work or is this unhealthy? I value friends a lot. Should I look for other types of friendships?
Laura Fox’s response: Making friends through work is common and natural and an important way to become connected in Luxembourg, especially if you don’t have family or longstanding friends.
You see the same people regularly, get to know each other whilst working together through projects, and if you’re fortunate, become friends. You don’t need to make effort to organising meet-ups, since that happens intrinsically in the workplace. What can happen however, is if the connection remains centred on your shared projects, when someone leaves you can fall out of contact because the common interest has ended.
In the case of your work friend, maybe it was a true friendship but one that hadn’t deepened beyond the work setting. You could reach out to them, suggest a get-together and see if you can renew the friendship around a different shared interest. For any other work friendships, it would be wise to intentionally start to foster deeper relationships by organising other events to get to know one another outside of work. Spending time outside work gives relationships an opportunity to grow into deeper friendship. In any friendship, you need to share and be open.
It’s natural to want deeper connections, especially if you are away from your country of origin, however workplace acquaintances are also valuable because networking can lead to opportunities to enrich your overall social activities. In Luxembourg’s smaller, more mobile environment, these acquaintances become bridges to new friendships and networks. In Luxembourg’s expat community, this mix of close friends and broader networks creates a sense of belonging and connection.
I think you can be hopeful that friends you meet in the workplace can develop into healthy friendships. It does not matter whether you meet someone at work or elsewhere. What is important with any friendship, however, is that it can deepen beyond the original context. Workplace friendships deepen through stages of coworker/acquaintance, to a friend, and then, if you really get along, to a close friend. This happens when you spend time together and share more personally about your lives, beyond just the workplace. You want to create these opportunities by socialising outside of work, discussing subjects beyond work. Try it. See if your colleagues respond. You’ll likely find that one of your colleagues could become a close friend so be open to this and feel reassured.
Laura Fox is a counsellor and mindfulness specialist working in Belair, Luxembourg City. Originally from Australia, she specialises in individual and couples counselling. She works with marital stress, anxiety, depression, and trauma. She has a bachelor and master degree in psychology and mindfulness.
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