Dear Annie: I’m hoping you might have some advice for me about how to meet people and make new friends as an adult. I’m 40, and I’ve been depressed for about a year.
I was seeing a therapist for almost a year, but have recently given up on him. We tried different things, but I still feel pretty stuck and alone. I’ve tried going out by myself, but people generally don’t talk to me when I do, and I get incredibly nervous and anxious — sometimes it feels like my body is going to explode.
It’s much easier when I have someone I know with me, but most of my friends are work friends who I rarely see anymore since COVID.
I have two or three friends I rely on a lot, but I’m almost always the one who initiates everything. I worry that I’m becoming a burden to them.
When I’m by myself, I’m also really disinterested and unmotivated to do things that I would normally enjoy doing with friends. I’ve tried online dating too, but that hasn’t really gone anywhere. So I feel like I’m stuck in this cycle where I’m depressed and alone, but I don’t know how to meet people or build a social life.
I wanted to ask you what you think I should actually do to meet new people. How do you make connections when you don’t already have a group of friends to introduce you to people? I feel like I’ve tried going out, but I’m not sure I’m doing it in a way that gives me a real chance to connect with anyone.
If you have any advice or ideas, I’d really appreciate it.
— Hopeless and Stuck
Dear Hopeless and Stuck: You do not need a whole new social life overnight. You need one small opening.
Instead of simply “going out,” try going somewhere built around repeated contact. Sign up for a class, volunteer at your church, or join a walking or book club. Friendship usually grows from seeing the same people again and again, not from hoping a stranger starts a conversation.
And please don’t give up on getting help just because one therapist wasn’t the right fit. The depression and anxiety you describe are making an already difficult task much harder. Finding someone new to talk to could help you get your footing again.
As for your friends, initiating doesn’t automatically make you a burden. Sometimes one person is simply the planner.
Start small. One class. One invitation. One conversation. A full life is rarely rebuilt all at once.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
