“If you want to change attitudes, start with a change in behavior.” — Katharine Hepburn

“Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” — Bible (Ephesians 5:33)

Ken and Kathy had been married for several years. They were both occupied outside the home. One was employed in a local business and the other was heavily involved in volunteer activities in the community. They were well known and everyone appreciated all that they did to help others. They attended church regularly. Only a few close friends in their church had a feeling that something was not quite right. They knew Ken and Kathy cared for each other and treated each other with respect. There just was something missing.

There are several words in the New Testament (Bible) that are translated as love. The two most of us are familiar with in reference to relationships are agape and phileo, perhaps not as words, but in behavior. Agape love is unconditional and selfless; phileo love is relational and emotional, flourishing in friendships, trusted bonds, and family ties. Although phileo is a wonderful love and causes many relationships to flourish, it leaves the impression that there are certain conditions. In other words, “I will love (phileo) you if…”

Another way to look at it is in terms of internal vs. external. An attitude is usually controlled by internal feelings. We have certain feelings (inside) about someone, maybe our spouse. But our behavior (external) towards them may be different. Many of us become very effective at hiding our internal feelings about a situation or a person. In the workplace we may harbor certain negative feelings towards management, but we try not to let that affect our external attitude and hence behavior. That’s difficult to do, as many of us have experienced, whether it’s on our job, around someone we don’t like, or even in our family.

In marriage, the relationship between husband and wife should be one of both agape and phileo love. The love is unconditional, but there is also the feeling that you have married your best friend. You enjoy being with them and doing things with them and for them. Although the marriage itself isn’t conditional upon feelings, it is important and nice for them to have those good feelings for each other.

Marriages tend to head towards serious trouble when the relationship was established by and based on a love that can be defined as phileo. None of us are perfect, and if our love for another is based on their perfect behavior towards us, we will eventually be disappointed. In a marriage based on phileo love, the first step towards dissolving the marriage is feeling (saying) “I don’t love you anymore.” That may be the sad truth. The emotions driving our phileo love may have disappeared. Heartache, disappointment, and frustration may have turned an emotional high into an emotional low, and the phileo love may be gone. If that’s all that’s holding the marriage together – than separation and probably divorce is next.

Agape love says I will love unconditionally. It is the highest, most pure form of love, as a choice, not out of attraction or obligation. The Bible talks about God’s agape love, which is the only kind of love that will last forever, no matter what the external behavior looks like. The word agape only shows up in the Bible in the New Testament. Jesus demonstrated agape love and it’s clear that without Jesus’ help we cannot love with an agape love. We will always put ourselves first. Marriages that are not founded on an agape love for one another will have a difficult time surviving.

Paraphrasing the first few verses in 1 Corinthians 13, I can have lots of wonderful relational gifts, speaking well, intelligent, faithful, giving to the needy, even allowing my body to be burned for another, but if my love towards others, including my spouse, still has conditions, then “it profits me nothing.”