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The question: I lost my job last year and it really impacted my self-confidence. I saw myself as a hard worker and a good worker and although I wasn’t fired because of my competencies, it has left me feeling like my efforts were not enough. How do I pick myself up again to have the confidence to find a job at a similar level? And what should I say to people who ask me what I do? I try my best to avoid answering this question as it makes me uncomfortable.
Laura Fox’s answer: It is completely natural for a job loss to hit your self-confidence hard, even when you know logically that your performance wasn’t the issue. When a termination is unexpected, the brain interprets the event as a kind of rejection. This is often automatic and feels very threatening. It can be difficult to override with logic and even when the situation isn’t personal, such as from broad redundancies, it can feel like it was.
Given your self-image included being committed and good at your work, losing that role can feel like a genuine identity crisis. You are currently struggling to separate your inherent capability from the fact that a specific company made an impersonal business decision, such as downsizing or cost-cutting.
To move forward, you need to get extremely clear on the reality of that situation. I recommend writing down the specific reasons the company let you go, such as restructuring, along with notes about how little control you have over those circumstances. This helps your brain shift from seeing it as personal to a general systems change.
To further disrupt these patterns of self-doubt and to change your relationship with negative thoughts, you can use a technique called cognitive diffusion. Rather than accepting a statement like “I am a failure” as an absolute truth, practice creating distance by rephrasing it as “I am having the thought that I am a failure.” This naming of thoughts as thoughts, rather than as facts, helps to create an objective distance and take a liberating perspective.
We are frequently our own harshest critics, maintaining a level of scrutiny we would never impose on a peer. It may help to ask yourself, “what would I say to a respected friend in this exact situation?” This question can help you to regain fairness, to access a kinder and more reasonable understanding. Imagining this conversation can help you see the situation with more clarity.
Remind yourself that you were good enough to earn such a role in the first place. Think about how you got the role, your accomplishments there and what you overcame every week. Write down your skills. Remember the skills and achievements remain within you, whether you are working right now or not. Spend some time writing down what specifically you bring to a workplace: your interests, skills and superpowers. By focusing on these attributes, you can shift from a state of helplessness to a clear and calm mindset. It might also help you add punch to your resume.
When it comes to those uncomfortable social questions, be prepared. Think about your future and what you are looking for or your areas of expertise. Instead of avoiding the question, try a narrative such as searching for a new challenge or investing in further learning whilst vetting new opportunities. There’s no need to explain how you ended up searching for work. Move the conversation on. This will help you feel more in control and at ease. In turn, you can relax and focus on building conversations and connections.
Active engagement with your professional network and local communities are a powerful antidote to the isolation of job searching. Remind yourself that in the current market you’re not alone. Go into conversations remembering what your strengths are and what opportunities you are looking for. As you connect with others and get even your first interview, you will feel more confident that despite the loss you, are on the right path to moving towards a new job.
Laura Fox is a counsellor and mindfulness specialist working in Belair, Luxembourg City. Originally from Australia, she specialises in individual and couples counselling. She works with marital stress, anxiety, depression, and trauma. She has a bachelor and master degree in psychology and mindfulness.
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This information is provided for guidance only and does not claim to be exhaustive. For personalised advice, we recommend that you seek in-person guidance from a qualified professional who will be able to analyse your personal situation in full.
