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The Reykjavík Grapevine

You have asked for nothing, and I assure you: you shall receive it in abundance! 

Seeking advice about the future? Problems with lovers? Just have something you need to get off your chest? Call Charlie! 

Tara asks: What are some cultural events you wish got more love? 

Tara, I’m going to be honest, I don’t leave my house much, nobody showed up to my birthday party, and I’ve decided to “take a break” from social media. So, I genuinely have no idea what is going on in this city. I like to break into public pools at night and piss in the hot tub. Is… is that a cultural event? You can come! 

Maria asks: I’m curious how people in Iceland generally reacted to Donald Trump’s (outrageous) comments about buying Greenland. How’s the vibe across the Island, since? 

I think we’re still a little on edge about it, even after Trump pussied out. But I mean, you did hear about that guy who joked about Iceland being the 52nd state? Billy Long, they call him — Ambassador to Iceland, and the most American man alive. Did you know he’s a certified auctioneer, and not just any, he’s the goddamn best auctioneer in the Ozarks seven years in a row. I’ll be damned that man could sell hogwash to a hog, and beeswax to a bee. And I betcha a couple smackaroonies, the second he drags his ass over to our little island, he’ll be selling ice to Icelanders. 

Charlie’s note: Billy Long actually owns Billy Long Auctions and was named Best Auctioneer seven years in a row. Also, I hate this man. 

C.M. asks: Why is there so much graffiti in Reykjavik? 

Graffiti? Would you call the works of da Vinci, Rembrandt, and Picasso mere graffiti? Does art become less so because it is transferred from the artist’s tormented mind straight to the wall of a public bathroom? I fully believe the graffiti on the streets of Reykjavik makes it absolutely beautiful, unique, and colourful. But as to why there is so much, the answer is simple. There isn’t that much graffiti. Downtown is just tiny, and so the graffiti becomes condensed into one area. It looks like there’s a lot when in actuality, I think, we could use more street art. #BanksyReykjavikToiletArtPlease 

David asks: Is Iceland accepting USA refugees yet? 

No, it isn’t… As America slides into fascism, it becomes tempting for those with enough money, contacts, and opportunities to flee. Remember that your less fortunate siblings don’t have such privileges, and if those who have the opportunity will not fight, who will? I wanted to say something funny… I want to interpret this as just another cheeky question and give it the ol’ comedy special. But ya’ boy Charlie is a trans immigrant in Iceland and doesn’t want to find anything to joke about on this topic. These fascist losers even seemed to have crossed the ocean. I see more and more “Make Iceland Great Again” hats here… 

What a depressing note to end on. The questions have been a little more political this month, so it’s a little hard to kick off from. I’ve been sat staring at a handsome picture of Billy Long for a little too long, if you catch my drift. So, I’ll end this Help Charlie on a classic mantra: 

Fuck Ice
Fuck Trump
Bless Bless
-Charlie