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The question: My father-in-law recently passed away and my children, aged five and 13, are struggling to deal with it. The younger one has many questions about death in general and doesn’t quite understand what it is and the permanence of it whereas my teenager is experiencing a lot of sadness for the loss of her grandfather. How should I talk to them about grief and loss?

Laura Fox’s response: I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. Grieving the death of a loved one is painful, and helping your children in their grief at the same time is also really challenging. Remember to take care of yourself too where possible so that you have some moments to check in with how you are. As parents, we can get very concerned about our children’s welfare and forget to take some moments to look after basic needs. Remember to eat well and get some fresh air so you can cope with the added stress. It’s clear you care deeply about supporting your children through this time and helping them understand and deal with their emotions.

When a family experiences a loss, each person’s grief can look quite different. You, your partner, and your children may all be processing in your own ways. It’s okay for children to see adults express sadness as it helps them to know its emotions can be felt and we are all human. Giving your partner some time out and vice versa is important if it’s possible. Expressing and sharing emotions is a sign of strength and it’s healthy. It’s good to share memories and tears and reflect on the moments you all shared with your father in law, perhaps feeling the joys of those times.

Because your children are at different developmental stages, they will need some different kinds of support and explanations.

For your five-year-old, it makes sense that they don’t know what it is and often children view death as temporary. Your child may ask questions or repeat the same questions so you may find you need to repeat things or say them in different ways to help them make sense of death in their own way. It is good to use simple, concrete language and can be helpful to say that the body doesn’t work anymore. Also children can feel very affected and then move quickly to other things or activities and into play, and this is healthy.

For your teenager, the experience of loss can feel more profound. She may be feeling sadness and also have questions about life and meaning. Here you can be present and responsive, giving her the space to share. Having some conversations during a walk, car ride or while cooking can make it easier for her to open up. Let her know it’s okay to feel sad, angry or even confused, and that grief can come on really strong and at other times it softens. Sharing a cup of tea and a bit of your own experience can reassure her that she’s not alone. You or your partner or both could perhaps do something meaningful with her in memory of her grandfather, such as planting a tree, creating a small memorial or taking part in an activity he loved.

You might consider family rituals that honour your father-in-law to keep his memory alive and bring you all together, like looking through photos, lighting a candle, writing letters or creating a small memory box you can all contribute to. These kinds of shared acts can help your children feel supported and comforted in times of sadness. Being present and honest, and giving yourself and your loved ones time and space to feel helps children to understand more about themselves and to feel safe and supported.

The children will learn a lot from the way your partner responds to their loss. Hopefully your partner can share memories and feelings and this will help them process their emotions. This shows the children that grief is natural.

Laura Fox is a counsellor and mindfulness specialist working in Belair, Luxembourg City. Originally from Australia, she specialises in individual and couples counselling. She works with marital stress, anxiety, depression, and trauma. She has a bachelor and master degree in psychology and mindfulness. 

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