Dear Eric: I’m a 46-year-old man who is on my third career. In my past careers, I have worked myself up from the bottom to middle management roles taking on more responsibilities than I could handle and getting fired after asking for help and having asked for added tasks to go elsewhere. I’m now in a position where I feel stuck. I have no motivation to do anything more than bare minimum and spend each day waiting for 5 p.m.

This attitude has affected my love life as well. I used to go on dates and had a few good relationships that in the end didn’t work out. Now after a few text exchanges and/or dates, I get bored and exhausted.

I’m extremely lonely but I find myself in the same cycle of going through the motions date after date with different people.

Is there a book, exercise or something to help get me out of this rut? I feel like every time I give it my all things fall apart on me and now when I try to put effort into something I have a subconscious fear of going back to square one again.

– Sick of the Cycle

Dear Cycle: It sounds like you’re burned out and quite possibly experiencing depression, which is affecting your motivation. The things that you thought would bring you pleasure, meaning, or fulfillment didn’t deliver – and in some cases, ended up in ways that could be considered failure. It’s no wonder you’re finding it hard to get back into the groove of things.

There are many (too many) books that promise to give you new energy in your work and/or love life. But I find many (too many) only address surface issues, rather than the root problem: a lack of purpose. How do you find purpose? Follow what interests you, ask yourself what’s meaningful to you, volunteer or do acts of service, get involved in a faith community if you’re a person of faith, talk with a counselor, your doctor, or a coach about the lack of direction you feel.

For the time being, don’t look to love or to work to give you meaning. Engage with friends, with social groups, with service organizations as a way of filling your time with other types of meaning. When you find it in other areas, it will change the way you relate to work, to love and to yourself.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

If you purchase a product or register for an account through a link on our site, we may receive compensation. By using this site, you consent to our User Agreement and agree that your clicks, interactions, and personal information may be collected, recorded, and/or stored by us and social media and other third-party partners in accordance with our Privacy Policy.