Dear Eric: My mother-in-law will only tolerate positive conversations/compliments about her children. If my husband or I say something even remotely negative about my BIL/SIL and their kids, my MIL will either get defensive or just not respond.
She refuses to comment on anything personal about her sons. She just says little positive statements here and there and is very surface level. It’s extremely hard to have a deep conversation with her.
On the flipside, she loves to gossip about her friends, my father-in-law, his family and my family! She’s extremely negative about my FIL’s extended family. I find her behavior to be very nosy, and I abhor her double standard.
Recently, at my daughter’s birthday party, I overheard my MIL asking my sister, “So do you think you’ll have more kids?” She would never in a million years ask my husband and me or my BIL/SIL that question! I am infuriated that she had the nerve to ask my sister such a personal question. I asked my sister later if she thought that question was appropriate. She agreed that that question was out of line. She said that only really close friends or family should be able to ask that question.
I want to tell my MIL that it was inappropriate for her to ask my sister that question. Do you think it was an appropriate or inappropriate question? I want to set her straight, but I need to know if I’m out of line, too.
– Outraged
Dear Outraged: I wonder if much of the outrage you’re feeling is about the cumulation of your mother-in-law’s behavior, which is making the comment loom larger than it would otherwise.
In general, you don’t have to have any conversation that makes you uncomfortable. You can be as clear with her as she is with you—“I don’t want to hear anything negative about my father-in-law,” for instance. Hard to argue with that.
But I think the comment to your sister was your sister’s battle to fight. If she didn’t want to answer or didn’t think it was appropriate, she could have redirected or even addressed it in the moment. By bringing it up with your MIL now, you run the risk of the conversation spilling over into the dangerous minefield of “you always.” That is, it will stop being about the one comment and start being about this pernicious habit and a host of other things. That’s not going to get you anywhere. Let this one go and the next time she says something that rubs you wrong, talk about it in the moment or change the subject.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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